I always assumed that at some point in my life Id have cancer. There certainly has been plenty of it on both sides of my family. What I didnt expect was to be only 29 years old with a bunch of little kids when it came to find me. I guess in some ways I count myself as lucky. I have a highly curable disease. Its not one of my children that got it instead. Im tolerating chemo well. In other ways, I just cant believe that this is my life. Sometimes I feel disconnected in a way, like Im on the outside peering in.
I do wish that things were different for us but this is the hand that we've been dealt. I knew something was wrong when I was pregnant with Caleb but my OB always reassured me that everything was fine, that it was just the pregnancy. He never dismissed me, he always listened and always made me feel better. I guess it was just a gut instinct I had. I KNEW. Something wasnt right. By the time I had the baby, I thought I had some sort of Lymphoma, a few days later I was sure of it. The following week it was confirmed. But what would I have done if my OB was suspicious earlier in my pregnancy and sent me off for tests? What would I have done had I been diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy? Thats something I really dont want to think about.. its a decision I probably wouldnt have been able to make. So in that sense, Im glad that he was unconcerned, even though it means I wasnt diagnosed until I was already stage IV. Incase you are wondering, I dont blame my OB, its not his fault, he didnt give Hodgkins to me. I have however, lost my faith in him. Ive been his patient for well over 10 years, but I dont think Ill be able to go back. And thats ok. He got it wrong with me, but he has hundreds or thousands (only ONE OBGYN practice for two counties!) of other patients to get it right with. I can be that he'll bet more cautious from now on and thats enough for me. Also, the devastation I head in his voice when he called me helps me to know that he's still a wonderful, caring doctor. Just not mine! Oooops! *spank*
to be continued...
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I am not much of a blogger, at least not yet. I clicked on a few things trying to navigate around the blogging world, and in a few clicks, I found you. My dad has been living with lymphoma for five years. He is able to do all the things that he wants. You don't know me, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayer. Your children are blessed to have a mother like you, and they will learn so much from you during this part of your life.
ReplyDeleteHey sweet girl! You have a wonderful way of looking at things AND keeping it real. I just wanted to leave a comment (cuz i can--ha ha) and show the love. I'm just one of many of your cheerleaders and prayer-warriors! Many, many!
ReplyDeleteI'm SO following you now. :)
Wonderful attitude about it all. (((hugs)))
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