Random Rumblings II

Yesterday was Round 4, day 1 of chemo and I slept through most of it :)! On day 15, (Feb 4) Ill have my next treatment and then Ill be scheduled for another pet/ct scan. GULP. Im looking very much forward to it, but Im also terribly apprehensive. I KNOW that things are better for me, just how much better is the question. There is no doubt Ill be highly medicated the morning of my scan and on the day I receive the results. :D I cant beleive Im nearly half way through chemo! Um, but then what??

Alot of feelings came to the surface for me when I was diagnosed with cancer. Even though I knew, I was totally stunned when I got the confirming phone call, I could NOT believe it. Then I had to wait an entire week for my next appointment. I cant even recall that week anymore, all I wanted to do was enjoy my brand new baby, instead of worrying about whether I was even going to be able to take care of him. I guess I wandered around in a daze, totally panicked.

It seemed to take so long to get things moving for me. I got the confirmation and waited a week for my next appointment. Then I had a scan the following week and another appointment and I found out that I was stage IV, which I was already certain of anyway. I checked into the hospital that day and spent 6 days having a whole barrage of tests and my first chemo.. which brought on the biggest anxiety attack Ive ever had in my life. Bless those nurses on 4th floor oncology that took care of me that night. I felt totally ridiculous acting the way I was and they soothed me all the way through it :).

After the intial shock wore off came the "why me's" ooooh, and the RAGE. Gawd, I was mad. Oh, and I do believe Ive forgotten my manners! Id like to give a shout out to my Grandad, whom I never met or even spoke to, that passed on his lovely Lymphoma genes to me. Thanks man! You ROCK!

After the surprise and fear and rage wore off, now mostly what I feel is guilt. I feel fine body wise, I really dont feel like there is anything wrong with me, but my heart is heavy and my mind swirls constantly. I feel guilty for my kids, and for my sister and brother and neices and nephews. They are now all more likely to develop Hodgkins themselves. The only small comfort I get is knowing that Hodgkins is highly curable and is brought to remission in most cases, even with disease as extensive as mine. Also, if the genes DID indeed come from my Grandfather, well, he was my Mom's dad and my sister and brother have a different Mother than me. Either way, it would gut me and haunt me to no end if any of them happened to develop something.

Anyway, I must get off my bum and clean something... see you all soon!