Ethan at the Pinwood Derby

Last night was our Boy Scouts Pinewood Derby. Bobby, Hannah, Ethan and I went, while Savannah, Ella and Caleb visited Amma! We ate pizza, chatted and had a good time. I got to see a dear friend of mine that I dont get to spend enough time with. Lots of people asked me how Im doing and said they were glad to see me :D Annnnywho.. on to the Derby!

Ethan and Bobby made a red car, totally last minute, I think they did it Monday. Anyway, we were just hoping Ethans car would actually make it down the track this year.. that would be a BIG accomplishment over last year's car. It did make it down the track, and FAST at that! He won 5 or 6 races, and came in second on one. He placed second place for his Den, but FIRST overall for the ENTIRE pack! He was running through the crowd squealing and high-fiving everyone and it was great to see him SO happy! He gets to move on to another level (regionals?) to compete against winners from other Packs. That'll be in March. He also won "best racer" and "most decal" awards and a pendant to wear on his shirt for winning 1st place overall. My little man!


Somehow I managed to catch Ethan's car in the frame.. notice how no other cars are in view *wink*


Ethan with his trophies, car, car stand and pendant.

Tryin to Reason with Hurricane Season

By Jimmy Buffett :)

I love this song... so many parallels can be made to my life. We're all trying to reason with something anyway, whether its a spouse, a child, ourselves, God or an illness...

Squalls out on the gulf stream,
Big storms coming soon.
I passed out in my hammock,
God, I slept way past noon.
Stood up and tried to focus,
I hoped I wouldn't have to look far.
I knew I could use a Bloody Mary,
So I stumbled next door to the bar.

[Chorus:]
And now I must confess,
I could use some rest.
I can't run at this pace very long.
Yes, it's quite insane,
I think it hurts my brain.
But it cleans me out and then I can go on.

There's something about this Sunday
It's a most peculiar gray
Strolling down the avenue
That's known as A1A
I was feeling tired, then I got inspired.
And I knew that it wouldn't last long
So all alone I walked back home, sat on my beach
And then I made up this song.

[Chorus:]
And now I must confess,
I could use some rest.
I can't run at this pace very long.
Yes, it's quite insane,
I think it hurts my brain.
But it cleans me out and then I can go on.


Well, the wind is blowin' harder now
Fifty knots of there abouts,
There's white caps on the ocean.
And I'm watching for water spouts
It's time to close the shutters
It's time to go inside.
In a week I'll be in gay Paris;
That's a mighty long airplane ride.


[Chorus:]
And now I must confess,
I could use some rest.
I can't run at this pace very long.
Yes, it's quite insane,
I think it hurts my brain.
But it cleans me out and then I can go on.

Yes, It cleans me out and then I can go on.


*Jimmy Buffett is a GENIUS!

Random Rumblings II

Yesterday was Round 4, day 1 of chemo and I slept through most of it :)! On day 15, (Feb 4) Ill have my next treatment and then Ill be scheduled for another pet/ct scan. GULP. Im looking very much forward to it, but Im also terribly apprehensive. I KNOW that things are better for me, just how much better is the question. There is no doubt Ill be highly medicated the morning of my scan and on the day I receive the results. :D I cant beleive Im nearly half way through chemo! Um, but then what??

Alot of feelings came to the surface for me when I was diagnosed with cancer. Even though I knew, I was totally stunned when I got the confirming phone call, I could NOT believe it. Then I had to wait an entire week for my next appointment. I cant even recall that week anymore, all I wanted to do was enjoy my brand new baby, instead of worrying about whether I was even going to be able to take care of him. I guess I wandered around in a daze, totally panicked.

It seemed to take so long to get things moving for me. I got the confirmation and waited a week for my next appointment. Then I had a scan the following week and another appointment and I found out that I was stage IV, which I was already certain of anyway. I checked into the hospital that day and spent 6 days having a whole barrage of tests and my first chemo.. which brought on the biggest anxiety attack Ive ever had in my life. Bless those nurses on 4th floor oncology that took care of me that night. I felt totally ridiculous acting the way I was and they soothed me all the way through it :).

After the intial shock wore off came the "why me's" ooooh, and the RAGE. Gawd, I was mad. Oh, and I do believe Ive forgotten my manners! Id like to give a shout out to my Grandad, whom I never met or even spoke to, that passed on his lovely Lymphoma genes to me. Thanks man! You ROCK!

After the surprise and fear and rage wore off, now mostly what I feel is guilt. I feel fine body wise, I really dont feel like there is anything wrong with me, but my heart is heavy and my mind swirls constantly. I feel guilty for my kids, and for my sister and brother and neices and nephews. They are now all more likely to develop Hodgkins themselves. The only small comfort I get is knowing that Hodgkins is highly curable and is brought to remission in most cases, even with disease as extensive as mine. Also, if the genes DID indeed come from my Grandfather, well, he was my Mom's dad and my sister and brother have a different Mother than me. Either way, it would gut me and haunt me to no end if any of them happened to develop something.

Anyway, I must get off my bum and clean something... see you all soon!

Round Four

This is me:



I love that smiley!

I have lots to say but little time. I start round 4 of chemo this week, that means Im almost half way there! After this round, which is two treatments, Ill be scanned again. Im hoping for MAJOR progress... I dont expect it to be gone, but a significant difference would be great.

Other than that, just waitin' on the snow!

Random Rumblings..

I always assumed that at some point in my life Id have cancer. There certainly has been plenty of it on both sides of my family. What I didnt expect was to be only 29 years old with a bunch of little kids when it came to find me. I guess in some ways I count myself as lucky. I have a highly curable disease. Its not one of my children that got it instead. Im tolerating chemo well. In other ways, I just cant believe that this is my life. Sometimes I feel disconnected in a way, like Im on the outside peering in.

I do wish that things were different for us but this is the hand that we've been dealt. I knew something was wrong when I was pregnant with Caleb but my OB always reassured me that everything was fine, that it was just the pregnancy. He never dismissed me, he always listened and always made me feel better. I guess it was just a gut instinct I had. I KNEW. Something wasnt right. By the time I had the baby, I thought I had some sort of Lymphoma, a few days later I was sure of it. The following week it was confirmed. But what would I have done if my OB was suspicious earlier in my pregnancy and sent me off for tests? What would I have done had I been diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy? Thats something I really dont want to think about.. its a decision I probably wouldnt have been able to make. So in that sense, Im glad that he was unconcerned, even though it means I wasnt diagnosed until I was already stage IV. Incase you are wondering, I dont blame my OB, its not his fault, he didnt give Hodgkins to me. I have however, lost my faith in him. Ive been his patient for well over 10 years, but I dont think Ill be able to go back. And thats ok. He got it wrong with me, but he has hundreds or thousands (only ONE OBGYN practice for two counties!) of other patients to get it right with. I can be that he'll bet more cautious from now on and thats enough for me. Also, the devastation I head in his voice when he called me helps me to know that he's still a wonderful, caring doctor. Just not mine! Oooops! *spank*

to be continued...

It Is What It Is, and Whatever It Takes...

A few mornings ago Scott Hamilton was on the Today Show. He was an Olympic Gold Medalist and professional Ice Skater throughout the 80's and 90's. As a child he had a disease that stunted his growth, leaving him standing only 5'3 1/2" tall. As an adult he survived stage III testicular cancer and a brain tumor! He was talking about his new book... "The Great Eight" and I thought that Id like to read it. He said one thing that stuck with me.. "It is what it is, and whatever it takes." His wife said it to him when they were dealing with his brain tumor. Its pretty much what my husband says to me everyday...

This morning when I sat at the computer, Scott Hamilton was right there staring at me from my msn homepage. I clicked on his story and read an excerpt from his book. He talked about his highs and lows and how much lower the lows were than the highs were high. He talked about how he viewed his setbacks negatively and was always awaiting the next calamity in his life. This is about the same way Ive felt for the last six or seven years.. I always find myself thinking "What next!?". What changed it for Scott Hamilton was the words of a 13 year old cancer survivor, a little girl, a young athlete who's lost her leg to cancer. She said cancer was the worst, but also the best thing that ever happened to her. After her five minute speech, he was a changed man and learned to view his "losses" as wins and learned the "gift of cancer."

This book has been thrust in front of me twice now, in just a few days time... I think it needs me to read it. It must hold something for me. Ill be heading over to Amazon now and Ill read it as soon as Im done with this:



I LOOO-O-O-OVE the Duggars!

I think Apollo has Lymphoma too!

Apollo is our nine year old Pug/Rat Terrier Mix... WHAT a combo there. We got him on Groundhog Day, 2000, when he was just a wee little pup. He stood all of 4 inches all and weighed only two pounds! He's been a good mutt.

A year or so ago Apollo developed a lump under his left armpit. Coincidentally, that is also where my first lump appeared! We had it biopsied last February and it wanst cancerous, but we were told that it could become cancerous at some point. The vet reccomended we have it removed, but the operation came with a hefty price tag, so we left it, hoping it would cause no trouble.

Apollo is now visibily aging... he moves slower and his facial hair is turning white. He also doesnt have that "puppy" face anymore... he's always been chunky, but now his face is on the thin side. The worrisome part is that now his lump has grown quite a bit, its actually rather large now. Other lumps can now be felt in his abdomen as well.

The same thing happened with me. I had one large lump in my armpit before they began to pop up in other places. Im afraid for Apollo because there is no way we can afford doggie chemo along with Mommy chemo! I want to take him to the vet for a checkup, but Bobby doesnt. He said if there was something wrong with Apollo he'd want to have him put down so that he doesnt suffer. I dont want him to suffer, I dont want him to be put down either, but I still want to know what, if anything, is wrong with him.

Siiiigh, my poor pup. Last night I slept on the couch when B was at work and Apollo slept on the floor the whole night, right under my belly. Bless his heart. I hope he's ok... Even though he annoys me to no end, I cant imagine not having him around.

Meet the Chicklets....

The boys - Ethan (7) & Baby Caleb (3 mos.)

The girls - Hannah (10), Savannah (5), & Ella (2 1/2)

Here are our babies! Somedays its hard to beleive that we are actually lucky enough to have FIVE of them! I could seriously see us with 8 or 9, but I think five is it for us, considering.

Hannah is 10 and is the studious one. She is in the gifted class and aces everything with ease. In her recent testing she placed in 12th grade math! Actually, it was 12th grade 9th month PLUS. Math has always been my weakest subject! She absolutely amazes me each day. She participates in her school's OM or Odyssey of the Mind team and will have a competition later in the year. She does the school news, safety patrol, girl scouts, plays the clarinet and has taken 6 years of ballet!

Ethan is 7 and is such a boy! He has had issues with his kidneys since birth and we've spent alot of time at Childrens Hospital of the Kings Daughters with him. Now we are down to yearly visits, but there was a time when we went about once a week. He still faces more surgeries in the future, but luckily both of his kidneys have always maintained their function! Ethan loves Monster Trucks, plays baseball in the spring and excells at math like his older sister! (WHERE did they get THAT!?)

Savannah just had her 5th birthday and is extremely funny. I find myself laughing like a loon at this child ALL the time. She comes up with the greatest phrases that always catch me off guard. She has long hair down to her hiney and wears cute little glasses. I really didnt want her to go off to pre-kindergarten this year, but she is a big girl and wanted to go, so I caved and let her. I miss her the whole time she is gone and cant wait to hear her tales of the day when she gets home.

Ella - OMG, where to start. This little chicky thinks she runs the show, but I do, just dont tell her that! Ella is 2 1/2.. do I need to say anymore than that? She is very animated, and VERY head strong. She has the most precious little face too. Ella runs a very close second in funniness to Savannah and they are both nearly the same size! Ella loves Handy Manny and its funny to watch her play with her little tools. :D

Caleb is our little teeny man! He is just 3 months old, but is the sweetest little thing. He is the perfect little fit to our family. Caleb looks very much like Ethan did when he was a baby, but Ethan was enormous, and Caleb is little! Caleb loves to eat and is a very good boy. He loves to smile and "talk" now too. We are all very thankful for him and his big sisters and brother eat him up!

Here is a picture of the whole crew together!

Where to begin?

The beginning I guess...

Bobby and I met early in 1997. On Easter Sunday he came into the restaraunt I was working in and sat there for three hours until I noticed him. Cut me some slack people, I was busy! In my defense, he was reading the newspaper so I couldnt see his face anyway... only his arm. I gave him my number (oooh, Im sooooo easy!) and he paged me later that day. LMAO yep, I said paged.. anywho, we've been together since that day. March 30, 1997.

Crazy things have happened since that day. In December of that same year, we found out that I was pregnant. Yikes! We're not married! HELP, Im only 19! It was one of the scariest times in my life, but one of the happiest... I never knew I wanted something so much until I had that baby girl. Hannah Grace was born on August 5, 1998.

We were married on September 25, 1999 at the Calvary Assembly of God Church. The Preacher very seriously asked me if I took Bobby to be my wife, LOL. I gave him a minute to correct himself but he didnt so I just agreed. Now get in the kitchen and make me some pancakes, woman!

I went to the Community College in 2000, just as all of my high school friends were graduating college. Its hard for me to believe today that some people I went to school with are doctors or have their own law practices... its blows my mind. I still feel like a kid! Anyway, I had awesome grades back in the day and kept a 3.9. I dont think I could do that anymore... my brain is full. If I have to learn something new, something old has to go! Id love to finish one day, but I dont know what Id like to be! My original goal was to be done by the time I turned 30, but um, thats kinda come and gone, and yeah well, you know the rest. (Im not done!)

The time came and we decided that Hannah needed a sibling. Then to our surprise, I didnt get pregnant. In fact, I didnt get pregnant for 14 months. We thought maybe Hannah was a fluke and that we weren't meant to have more than one child. I was devastated each month when my friendly visitor came to me. Everyone else seemed to be pregnant too... everywhere we went, everyone I knew, everyone but me. It was hard. I remember one day in particular Id been to the OBGYN office for this problem and was running late for Biology. I walked into the auditorium about 5 minutes late as the professor began the movie... AND it was all about conception and pregnancy. My bum barely brushed the seat before I was up and out the door! I couldnt believe it, it all seemed like a cruel joke. Then one day, my visitor didnt show. The next day either. Or the day after that. And what do you know? I was pregnant! We got the sweetest boy in the world and he was totally worth the wait. Ethan Chase came into the world on July 28, 2001 weighing a whopping 9 lbs 14 oz! He was humungous and I couldnt beleive I squeezed that thing out of my body!

While I was finishing up at the Community College, we bought a house. I never really wanted it, but went through with it anyway. I was giving thought to where Id like to go to school. I considered the University of Virginia and Virginia Wesleyan before deciding on Virginia Commonwealth. I was all set to go, we went and visited and everything, I was so happy, but alas, it wasnt meant to be... Not going really threw me into a funk that took years to climb out of. I still dont really talk about it because Ill cry! Hard! For three days! But guess what? I was pregnant again!

That third pregnancy was even more of a shock than the first one was. I could NOT believe it. There is no way it should have happened. It did somehow, so instead of VCU I got Savannah Elizabeth, one of *THEE* funniest little girls youll ever meet. Savannah was born on December 29, 2003. She was 12 days overdue and would NOT come out. Finally I was induced and sat in the hospital all day with nothing happening. I was so mad, I wanted to go home so badly and then it hit me like a semi! The very first contraction was so strong, I knew for sure I was a total wimp, I had no idea how I was going to handle the labor this time if the first contraction hurt like THAT! It was crazy and all happened so fast, my labor only lasted 40 minutes. Savannah shot out of my body like a bullet and I dont even think I pushed. All I know is that I went from grumpy with a high, tight and closed cervix to stunned, holding a new baby in a very short amount of time. I really didnt think it had actually happened. I thought Id had one of those crazy dreams that you have on the very edge of sleep. You know, the ones where something stupid happens and you jump a mile? It was real though and Im glad it happened that way!

My life since then has been much like a blur... Depression and Anxiety gripped me... I started failing classes that I should have easily aced... I was put on academic suspension! ME! The nerdy one. Eventually I took a couple of years off just to try and get myself straight. Its been a long hard process, but I think Im almost there. We had more babies too!

On May 2, 2006 Ella Claire was born. Again I was induced and sat around all day with nothing happening. What a pain! Late in the afternoon I started to have mild contractions then some horrible ones and Ella was born quickly as well. Not as fast as Savannah, but nearly! She is our only blue eyed girl and is the sweetest, most snuggly girl ever. We used to call her E-Claire, but she is much more like a lil cream puff!

In February of 2008, we found that I was pregnant yet again, BUT, there is always a but, a day or two later it was apparent that I was miscarrying. We were just about to leave for a three day weekend, so I called the OB and was able to get in before we left. There was a sack, but it was too small to detect a heartbeat. The NP urged me to go on the trip anyway and to come back and see her the day we came back. Then she asked me if I wanted an ultrasound picture "just incase" and said something like no one else would remember me having a miscarriage in time, but that Id never forget. Noice. But I did take that picture and I still have it today.

I didnt miscarry on that trip, but couldnt really enjoy it either. I bled the whole time. When we got home, we went back to the OB and had another ultrasound... what did we see? The most beautiful tiny little heartbeat EVER! We were elated, but its wasnt long before my troubles started.

It wasnt long before I developed a nasty cough that I couldnt get rid of! While seeing my PCP for another reason, she decided to swab my throat on a whim... it was negative for strep in the office but she sent the culture out anyway. A few days later she called me back to say that I did indeed have strep and gave me some antibiotics. SWEET I thought, this cough will be gone! It didnt go away. Blast!

A few weeks later I started to have horrible hip pain on the right side. I had to use a walker for crying out loud. My 80 year old Grandma was calling to check on MY hip! Thats not right! I ended up getting a cortizone shot when I was about 12 weeks along and that worked for a while. When the pain came back, I seriously thought about sawing my leg off, I have never felt anything like that before in my life! I had some lidocaine (something or another) patches to put on it, which only helped if I got it in the exact right place BEFORE it started to hurt. Generally, it only hurt at night and as the sun came up in the morning, the pain went away. About halfway through the pregnancy the Dr gave me an anti inflammatory to take for two weeks and that did the trick.

Later, I broke a tooth and needed it pulled. Dental experiences are NEVER pleasant. Nuff said.

My cough got worse and worse and would NOT let up. I coughed until I threw up all day long, everyday. I couldnt eat anything and was losing weight. We tried many different things... all kinds of medicene and even an inhaler. Didnt work. The Dr decided it must be pregnancy induced allergies, and I did cough alot during another pregnancy, but not nearly this bad. I could not WAIT to have this baby so I could stop coughing!

In August we went to North Carolina for a week and had a good time, except for me coughing and yakking the entire time. When we got home I noticed a HUGE lump in my armpit. I was alarmed that it was so big and I hadnt noticed it before. The next day I had an appointment and pointed it out to the OB. He said it was a milk duct... NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. So, I didnt. Two weeks before the baby was due my blood pressure was up a tad so the midwife and Dr decided to hold me hostage at the hospital. Caleb Lee was born on September 26, 2008, a Friday.. 15 or 16 days early. He was the teeny-ist little thing Ive ever seen. All of our other babies were ox's compared to him! He only weight 7 lbs 5.5 ounces. Little teeny man! On Saturday we went home. On Sunday I found a lump in my neck. Hhmmm.... that begins a new chapter that requires a blog all its own.

Until next time.....